A ‘Mal’ Lunch at a ‘Mal’ House

      They say ‘there is no such thing as a free lunch’, but we can hope that sometimes, in these recessionary times, a good cheap one will come our way.

       A member friend told us of this special offer. They had tried it and said it wasn’t bad and it was the best cup of coffee they had been served for a long time, so we decided to give it a go. Two courses, a bottle of wine and coffee for two people for £30 +10% service.

       We knew the venue of old, a Great Western Hotel, a beautiful building where, in our youth, we would dance the night away in the grand ballroom to the strains of some wonderful dance bands. Oh, how hath the mighty fallen. Decorated entirely in black and dark brown the atmosphere was oppressive in the small partitioned off rooms. The ballroom we learnt had been turned into bedrooms. The restaurant was so dark that several business men requested a window seat so that they could see to read but they were all reserved

      When we asked what the wine was we were told, Spanish, ‘vino tinto or vino blanco’. Say no more, if they paid more than £3 a bottle for it they were robbed.

       My salad of roasted beetroot with Barkham Blue cheese and hazelnuts arrived minus the Barkham Blue and had to be sent back for the addition of a few crumbs of cheese, most would have not even noticed in the dark. Roast butternut squash soup was served au natural - accompanying bread would be £2.45.

       ‘Onglet steak with fries’ the menu said, as a died-in-the-wool carnivore, I had never heard of an onglet steak. “Ah, you see madam,” our Polish waiter explained running his hand down the front of his chest, “it is szz bit at szz front of the beast.” “Ah,” I said, “the flank - is it braised slowly to tenderise it?”.  “Oh no madam, it izz cooked very quickly and it izz very tender.”  I decided to take a gamble, our other main course was mussels so I thought I can sit and chew while the mussels are being dealt with, no problem. My three generous portions of onglet and a large pot of mussels duly arrived. The steak was just as expected, decidedly chewy but very flavoursome. The mussels had good size shells but the poor little chaps inside hadn’t had any sustenance for years. Many of the shells were empty but we anticipated the meats swimming around in the sauce at the bottom but no, there were three times more shells than there were meats. By this time my jaws were aching so I passed my last piece of steak over to make up for the lack of mussels.

        A large cup of very hot, strong coffee was indeed excellent. On inspecting the facilities I decided they would not be out of place in a brothel, with the black silk quilted walls and red counters. When I commented on the fact I was quizzed as to how I knew what a brothel would look like.

As 'Mal' translates as 'bad', while 'maison' is house it is certainly an interesting choice of name for a hotel group. Maybe it was not far off the mark, this one was really ‘mal’. One could say it lived up to its name but hardly the way to do a promotional drive!

‘Do It Yourself’ Editor

           

 We are always reading these days that an editor’s job is a very busy one but I am sure there must be limits to a professionals remit. Not so for an amateur.   

            Unlike many writers I have always enjoyed editing so, three years ago, I uttered those fatal words, “I wouldn’t mind having a go.”

            Ron had been doing the job for three years and in that time had raised the profile of the International Wine & Food Society’s Journal, Food & Wine, from a two colour, 12 page newsletter to a 24 page glossy magazine suitable for our prestigious, seventy five year old, Society.

            The Society, which is run entirely by unpaid volunteers, is divided into three regions throughout the world and Food & Wine is the journal for the European & African Region. Ron would commission articles, edit accordingly and send them on, as word documents, to a graphic designer in Norfolk who did the layout, added the photos and appropriate artwork and sent it off to the printers.

            Having completed a desktop publishing course some years ago I had my own idea about layout, length of articles and the general look of the content. Ron had warned me that in Norfolk they liked a lot of ‘white spaces’ and he often had to drastically cut his content. In my eyes ‘white space’ was wasted space that we were paying for.

            Having always been an extrovert I was determined to put my mark on this publication. I submitted several pages, laid out as I required them with appropriate photos and was told that they would have to cut a major part of the content. After a week of long phone calls and much frustration, fool that I was, I eventually suggested they do it my way or I would do the job myself.  I knew I would have the backing of our committee as I was saving them money; the publishers were paid from our meagre funds. 

            I was on a high, complete control - I never was a team person. I now controlled every part of the process from commissioning the articles to seeking the most competitive price for printing and mail out.

            Being part of a Society whose membership comprises some reasonably intelligent people I was not too worried about sourcing articles, even though I couldn’t pay for them. I had done a photographic course at university so photos, particularly in this digital age, were no problem. At least a third of the magazine is taken up with ‘Around the Branches’ where I rely on reports of events and photos from our 33 branches in the UK, Europe and Africa. I send out a page of guidelines to reporters and request that any photos supplied are good action shots, not ‘full frontals’ with everyone grinning. Pointing out that we are not producing ‘Hello’ magazine! 

            When my first effort was published I sat back and waited for comment - wow, why did I take this job on! I had spent all my efforts on content and layout and it looked pretty good, but then the e mails started flying.  I had not reckoned with the language purists, some of the comments still make me blush.  Well, OK, there were a few mistakes, but no more that you will find in many daily newspapers. I have become much thicker skinned now and the brickbats have decreased considerably. I quickly realised the need for much more diligent proof reading and now have three good volunteers.  In my editorial I apologised to the purists and quoted Somerset Maugham, ‘grammar is common speech formulated, usage is the only test.’ One of our members and regular contributor is the President of the Queens English Society so I have to watch my P’s & Q’s.

            Copy date is set as late as possible to allow for recent branch events to be included but of course everyone considers it quite permissible to submit their copy at the last possible moment. With just ten days to get it print ready, my husband complains to one and all that Food & Wine ruins his sex life!      

             A few contributors are a nightmare. A young, new Master of Wine sent me an article twice the length required. It had obviously been penned for his dissertation. I e-mailed him and told him to cut it in half and make it a bit more entertaining. It came back a few days later, still five hundred words too long with a plea that, ‘I can’t cut it any more.’ I told him not to worry; I would cut it for him. He then e mailed several pages of amendments that he would like me to do and, “would I send the final document for approval before publication please?” I have to be flexible as I don’t pay for articles but at that point I lost my patience. I explained that if he ever wanted an article published in the commercial world he needed to go on a steep learning curve. I hope I have made life a little easier for any future editors to whom he submits. I sent him a copy of US political author and columnist Peggy Noonan’s quote which I keep on my notice board.

“Remember the waterfront shack with the sign ‘FRESH FISH SOLD HERE’. Of course it's fresh, we're on the ocean. Of course it's for sale, we're not giving it away. Of course it's here, otherwise the sign would be someplace else. The final sign: ‘FISH’.

            When the kitchen gets turned upside down and the family get the same dinner several days running they know mother is testing new recipes and doing photo shots for the next issue. 

            I am always looking for quality articles on food and wine related subjects and acknowledge all enquiries and submissions. Contributors receive a free copy of the magazine. We now run to 36 pages and the last two issues boasted our first two paying advertisers.

          At our recent annual Branch Representatives Meeting our Chairman thanked me for all my hard work and suggested that maybe I could do with an apprentice. Any volunteers?

First Published In Writing Magazine October 2010

The International Wine & Food Society has 130 branches worldwide.

Branches hold regular, unusual food & wine related events at which all members are welcome

Membership is £52 per annum joint and £40 single. Junior (under 36) £26 joint, £20 single.

For more information and membership form:- www.iwfs.org  or call Katie Tel +44 (0) 191 239 9630